Saturday, September 20, 2014

Did YOU called me?


Tring Tring... Tring Tring... !

It was some unknown number and I picked up the phone.

"Hello Sai"... A familiar, long forgotten Voice that shook my whole body. I couldn't believe myself. All my emotional thoughts confirmed that It is `you`. My rational thoughts nowhere to be found, completely out of picture.

"Hello AG", I said in a trembling voice.

"Woow Sai, You found me :-) I feel very very happy for that. How are you?"

"I am good", I had so many questions to ask, (billions of things may be), but in the state of excitement that I am in, nothing turned into words. That's when my rationale peeked in and started telling me that I am in a Dream, as the possibility of this Call is very negligible, not Zero though !!!

"How is mom?", you asked.

"She is great. and How are you AG?"

"Yeah, I am also good Sai"

The discussion continued but it was `you` enquiring about me, our mutual friends, my job and other things. I was so mesmerized that I was just answering all your questions and nothing else. My rationale was crying aloud to wake me up, he couldn't believe on the circumstances. But I consciously turned it off, not caring for the truth and just living the minutes. But also, it felt 100% real, it was a real call, a real conversation.

Not even 5 minutes into the call, you told, "Ok Sai. Thanks for remembering me still :-) I am very happy to speak with you. Catch you later"

"Oh WAIT... How about you? What you doing? Still in hometown or came to Chennai? Tell me about yourself", I asked.

"Haa Sai. Thanks for asking. But I got to go now and Sai I just called you as a good friend and nothing more. Hope you remember why", you exclaimed.

"Haa... I just asked about you very casually and nothing more. Ok you carry on. Shall we speak tomorrow? Shall I call you tomorrow, the same time?"

"yeah Sai.. Will call you tomorrow myself. You dont call me back"

BEEP! Call over!!!

Took the phone to my front, staring at the phone, Trying to comprehend the unbelievable thing, that just happened. Posed a serious challenge to my rationale, "Now you justify me, why is this a dream?". Was looking around myself, where I am standing. what I am doing. Everything seemed fit, but still my rationale, "What If this is a realistic dream, that you could believe only after waking up. No worries, If thats the case, you will soon find out. Otherwise, I will completely abide by your will, you decisions".

My Emotionale, "Hello people. You forgot me. What if this is a dream, but its her thoughts that is being conveyed to you in your dream via Telepathy / ESP or whatever you call it? You rationale, you and your Science are still centuries or even millennia backward, when it comes to understanding the brain, the thoughts. You people focus much on searching outside universe and not the inner Universe."

My Rationale, "Ha. I agree and let me give you a solution in this situation. You try to convey her that you received her call / communication / thoughts and send your contacts again, Phone, Mail, FB, everything and wait till she contacts back for 2nd time. You shall do 2 things to convey; Drop in a mail to all those bunch of mail IDs and write in ur blog and share it online. There is a high possibility that she might be following you online".

Then I continued with my day till evening, only to find out a little later that it was actually Sunday morning and that I am in my bed.

LOL !!!

But anyways, here is goes again...


I couldn't stop laughing at my Rationale for it failed a simple, effective Idea, "to look at the number and write it in the heart, so I couldn't forget it, whichever world my soul travels to..."

Feeling Hopeful... !!!

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

A Lonely Masturbator - First enlightment - Part 2

For other posts in the series, visit here.

Internet Connection @ Home

Though I had Computer @ home since 8th Standard, I did nothing but gaming and exploring new softwares. It was in 10th Standard that I got Internet Connection in home. Till that point, it was not much difficult for me to stay away from all the `Internet Fantasies`, that my friends were exploring.

All the time from 7th standard, I was very eager to see all those `sex pictures` in Internet. More than the pictures of `Sexual activity`, I was interested in pictures of girls :-) But I restrained for 2 reasons:

  1. I believed to be a sin.
  2. I had a `Image` that I a `good boy`, who don't watch these stuff, nor even speak on this.
And I am very proud of myself, for being moral and not watching those stuffs in Internet, unlike my other friends.

But once I got Internet at home, big confusions started. My curiosity were over ruling Point 1 and I know for sure, no one would know, If I just visited `sex sites` in home :-) and I can definitely retain my `Good Boy` Image :-)

Wait for 8 Years

The Internal mind battle started whether to just watch the sex sites (atleast once) OR be a good boy and evade this thoughts altogether !!! But the good boy WON with one big self assurance. I was studying 10th by then. 11th, 12th, 4 years of college and 2 years of work, totaling to 8 years. So I promised myself to wait for 8 years, after which I would some how get married and can morally explore SEX with a real girl :-) wow, wow.. awesome awesome :-)

Whenever the intent to watch the sites arise in my mind, I used to say myself, "Just 8 years more. Let's wait. Let's wait. Let's wait !!!" Also I thought of the possibilities of persuading mom and dad to arrange my marriage immediately I am done with College. But also felt very shameful on how I am going to start speaking this topic in home !!!

Those are times, when you think of marriage as legal license for Sex. No idea of love, care, affection, companionship, nothing!

So, even after getting Internet @ home, I remained just a gamer and also a `good boy` :-)

FTV - The Dream Channel

Apart from Internet sex sites, there was a home remedy. A TV Channel with adult content, namely FTV. Friends used to watch that also and used to discuss on that. As usual, I had the urge to watch FTV, but restrained myself from watching it.

One weekend, both mom and dad was not in home and a friend came to my home. He asked me "Sai, shall we watch FTV? Don't worry, its not at all like those Internet sites. Its just some girls walk through the stage"

I strictly said "No".

But he got the remote from me and switched on the TV and was searching for the Channel. I am trying to convince him not to watch it and trying to get remote from him. We were arguing and on the other hand, he found the channel, FTV and said "YES".

Then he pleaded me, "Sai, If you dont want to see, be it. But please, please da.. Let me watch it, Its a very rare opportunity for me da." I was arguing to change the channel, but he never listened. So I turned away from the TV, took a book and started reading it, letting him continue.

New School, New Life, New Adventures

For 11th Standard, I joined a new school and it was our first `Computer Lab` session. We are all standing in line to go to lab. A friend standing beside me, asked me something,

"Sai, Do you know how to use computer?"

I replied, "yeah da... How about you?"

"I only know how to open Internet and see `bit` films", he said and continued, "Other than that I know nothing da... You teach me. okay?"

"okay", I just giggled outside, while stomach is burning Inside, Thinking to myself, "Even in this school, people watch it. Why not me??? NO. Never. Now its just 7 years", I assured myself.

Couple of months passed in new school and friended everyone there. Then I started preaching to my friends that `sex` is wrong and watching such sites is sinful and discouraged them from watching it and be a good boy. Most wont argue with me except a very couple of guys and one among them (Mr. V) was always supportive of Sex.

We used to have discussions on this. I tried persuading Mr. V that Sex is Sin, while he tried persuading me that Sex is Life. Mr. V stood his ground very strongly, so did I.

First Sex Video

We used to hangout in a friend's home after school, in the name of studies. We study very few days, and on most other days, we used to play games in computer and just chit chat.

One fine day, I went to his home early than the other guys. He told me that he had a very cool video. I asked him what it is? He didn't tell me, but he opened some folders in his system and opened a video. He seeked to the middle of the video.

I was interested on what it could be and watching it. For a dozen of seconds, I couldn't understand what's is being shown in the screen. I was thinking and trying to figure out what it is. Then when I understood the things, I felt very disgusting, felt like vomiting and closed the Video Player !!

It was a scene of Anal sex, shot at close up (when I didn't understand what it is) and slowly being zoomed out (when things become more clearer).

I exploded, shouted at him angrily and left his home. On reaching my home, I couldn't stop thinking on that. I couldn't focus on anything else. Even the games couldn't turn away my attention from those dozen seconds of frames.

Couldn't resist Anymore

I had a very mixed feeling. I felt both disgusted on watching the act, but more interested on seeing a girl nude. I felt the urge to watch it again, but without that guy doing those disgusting acts. That day, whole night I was thinking, "how to get another chance"?

I really wanted to watch it again. But was thinking what he will think of me, what others think of me? My own Image (as a good boy) stands in my way now !!!

Couple of days passed. I couldn't resist anymore. Without much thought, I asked him while in school, that If we could watch `it` again. I also requested (almost begged) him not to tell anyone. He agreed!!! I was soooo happy from the bottom of my heart and felt like I am going to heaven :-D

After school, I visited his home. I told him that I dont like to watch that guy, but only that girl. He started the video, but we couldn't watch fully as his mom was in home, working in the kitchen and she might come to our room anytime. We saw from the beginning. IT WAS AWESOME. The girl slowly removing her clothes and revealing herself. WOW. I FELT LIKE IT WAS THE GOLDEN PERIOD OF MY LIFE. No words could express that satisfaction, that happiness, that feeling. It was sooo awesome, watching it for the first time in my life.

Because of the circumstances, we couldn't watch it fully, not even 5 minutes. But those couple of minutes, I felt awesome. He also promised me that he wouldn't tell anyone. I felt happy, fulfilled and also much guiltier. So I promised myself that I have experienced it once and so I should wait next 7 years till the real thing happen. No more videos till that.

More to Come...